the last day, pt. 1 July 3, 2009
Posted by york-lass in bike, music, rain, rant, thoughts, uni health centre, waiting, york.1 comment so far
Firstly, apologies, but I have to have a grumble for 5 minutes. I just had a seriously scary bike ride down to campus, through traffic and being buffeted by wind and rain (ahhh, the joy of summer), I went to the university health centre as advised yesterday to see if my prescription to cover the holiday period had been approved. Well, in keeping with general Health Centre standards, it was not only unapproved but lost. So I had to fill out another and now I’m stuck on campus with nothing to do but sit moodling about in a computer room until 5:45. I won’t lie, I would actually rather be packing right now. Though some guy’s phone did start blaring out a ‘SexyBack’ ringtone very loudly about 20 mins ago, and that afforded me 10 seconds of amusement!
A Reflection
Packing. The end of term. The end of second year. The end of my time in our lovely big house in Badger Hill. It’s not the biggest change, of course. I met my friend Kim for coffee this morning (I appeared to her horror soaked through and dripping all over the floor of City Screen because the northern heavens had decided to open up on my way into town) and she is graduating this summer, moving away from this dinky little studenty bubble into the real world with real jobs and real issues. She said it doesn’t feel real yet. I can’t imagine how we’re all going to feel this time next year – it’s hard enough coming to terms with the fact we’re all going to be crotchety old third years in a matter of weeks.
Onto summer. A job (hopefully), actual funds (bliss!), Edinburgh, the Lake District, fitness, parties, laughter, friends, adventure, family, dancing, home comforts, volunteering, music, art. Freedom. A new beginning that will come from the change in weather, the change in scene and, I sincerely hope, the continual change in me. I have so many high hopes for the weeks ahead – they’re going to be fantastic and there are so many things I want to do. I want this summer to be a clean break from all the low times this year has hurled at me, claw back every tear I cried, every second wherein I felt imprisoned by negative thoughts and throw them back out at the world as carefree, joyous laughter. But I also want summer to be a continuation of the many, many good things this year has aff0rded me: my wonderful and irreplaceable friends, my successes in my degree, my gem of a counsellor, my new-found realisation of my strength, bravery and worth, and all the times when for the first time, I’ve smiled about the state of my life and actually recognised moments when I’ve felt genuinely beautiful, all by myself. This summer is as much about continuing and bolstering the good that I have already begun to find in myself and the world, as much as it is about further eradicating the bad that held me down.
to be* or not to be*……. *single June 29, 2009
Posted by york-lass in about me, ex boyfriend, history, rambling, rant, relationships, thoughts.add a comment
Time for a late-night Hannah rant, accompanied by Redbush:
I walk out into the History foyer clutching my lurid green hoodie (the one I thought was a really good idea to purchase in Freshers’ Week last year because it would look different, and now it is for home-use – and apparently walk-of-shame use – only) feeling a little bit disheartened. I run into N’s housemate in the doorway. ‘He doesn’t really know what he wants,’ she says. ‘Bad relationship.’
I nod. Don’t I bloody know it. Truth be told, I don’t have a clue what I want either, if I even want anything. I’m pretty convinced at this point that, even though I do quite like N, I am nowhere near ready for any relationship malarkeys. The most important thing for me is not to do what Ex Boyfriend has done, happily accepting any old dross that throws itself at me just to validate myself. I am quite honest and open about the fact that I still can’t get over him sometimes, sometimes I still have a quiet cry to myself, sometimes I still even question myself (though this is happily becoming a rarer occasion), I am still building my defences back up before I let anyone else near me. Last night I stupidly looked up at my friend’s FB profile only to be faced with his new girlfriend’s photo album – there he is on the cover, happily posing over a shared drink. When that image pops into my head my heart still sinks a little bit. But these days, it is easier to lift it back up again!
I get the feeling both me and N are still left somewhat bemused and confused as to the being single question. It is clearly not necessary, especially at university where really, it is all about YOU, the individual, growing up and getting out there into the big scary wide world by yourself. It is certainly not necessary to give you any more sense of self worth that you can’t muster for yourself. If you’re opting for that, you’ve got yourself a problem. Although it is very tempting to fall into the trap of just wanting someone to hug (feel free to make this into a euphemism, it’s a free term) every so often, the wiser decision is to come to a decision by yourself: decide what your needs are, what is good enough for you and what makes you the happiest you can be.
My friend said to me last night that if I wanted a relationship with N, that was fine. If I wanted him to be basically a casual bedfellow, that was fine. If it was a case of a regular encounter in clubs, that was fine. These options are not things I am used to. Call me naive, but where there is a kiss, where there is sexual contact, there is relationship. It is a very naive, idealistic view. Definitely not in-keeping with the York student clubbing/pubbing/pulling/sexytime ’scene’. I kind of want to hold on to it though. I don’t really want to be someone’s booty call or for someone to be mine, I don’t do one-off and I (hope) I don’t do cheap. Don’t sell the cow until he’s bought the farm philosophy, if I remember right.
But then again, I think I’m becoming more of a live-in-the-moment, go-with-the-flow girl. I will, for example, readily text N tomorrow night to check if he is out. After that… well, come what may.
Rant/rambling thought process over! Am listening to The E.N.D by Black Eyed Peas. It is decidedly poppy. Different, but quite catchy!
last night… June 29, 2009
Posted by york-lass in catharsis, rebellion.add a comment
… I performed many a subversive act. I feel very rebellious but it was very cathartic. Also, meeting N later*..
*admittedly, he is returning my hoodie. But you never know.
dreams, the week and regina June 27, 2009
Posted by york-lass in dreams, minster, money matters, music, regina spektor, relationships, walk, york.add a comment
Morning (almost afternoon) everyone 
Am sat with my morning cup of tea listening to Regina Spektor’s new album ”Far”, and it is REALLY GOOD - poignant lyrics, lovely melodies and actually quite easy to listen to. It’s good to have something like this to listen to today – had bad dreams last night so woke up feeling fairly troubled.
Dream
I was with everybody that I know in some kind of weird academy where we were all sat in groups on tables, all on different floors. I discovered that this system was being used to designate whether we were good historians or not. I think I was on a bad table (of course.) and it turned out Ex Boyfriend was on the floor above me (probably meant that he was good). My mum and I tried to go shopping for a nightie which was unsuccessful, then Mum disappeared. I seem to remember crying and ranting about this stupid system in a changing room cubicle (it transpired I was taking lessons in sword fighting), then one of my schoolfriends came to comfort me – we went outside to talk about it, and my sword fighting instructor walked past, said hello and smiled.
As usual, made little sense!
It’s been a slightly eventful week by my standards. On Wednesday had an… ahem.. encounter with the chair of History Society (let’s call him N). I don’t do this very often so have been thinking about it quite a lot. Overthinking, I should say. Have also discovered that at 4:30 in the morning, it is BRIGHT DAYLIGHT now. Absolute madness. Also handed in the second form for my dissertation this week, hopefully my supervisor will like it this time (and not fall asleep when I’m talking about it) and I will make it to third year unscathed. Must do work for that this week… I found that we have all the Calendars of State Papers in our library, and this made me very happy. There is no excuse now! Have been doing a lot of wandering around town, a lot of sitting in Minster Gardens. Went there with a friend on Thursday though, and whilst minding our own business, sipping our Pret a Manger cans of apple juice, we were subjected to a couple pretty much doing everything BUT making babies on the grass right in front of us. Bloody exhibitionists. And right next to the Minster! It’s sacred ground for God’s sake! We felt like voyeurs. Blech.
Oh also – I am officially broke. Twice in one week this has happened. I tried to use my card in the Post Office yesterday (having been allowed to skip the huge queue to go to Special Delivery) and got rejected because I didn’t have the money to pay for it. I hang my head in shame. What an absolute fail! I need to curb my spending habits and remember that I am a poor student on a budget. Also, it would be a good idea to actually know what is in my bank.
It’s Woodstock today on campus – different bands/acts/general entertainments for a day, and the profits go to RAG. Might pop down with the house later to watch a few things. Good plan because I need to fetch my poor abandoned bike back :S
three-piece skirt June 23, 2009
Posted by york-lass in clothes, nutty things.add a comment
I was just heading back from town up Hull Road, and saw a man walking down it on the opposite side from me. He was in a perfectly normal black shirt and trousers, black shoes, hair gelled to perfection. Only the trousers had a red, shimmery pleated skirt over the top of them.
Have I just encountered some bizzare nascent mini-man-skirt trend amongst the men of York?
scrapbooking June 22, 2009
Posted by york-lass in ex boyfriend, facebook, scrapbooks, the times, thoughts.add a comment
Sitting with my (very late) tea and toast, I just read on The Times Online (it is ‘on’ rather than ‘in’, right?) that despite this being the Age of Facebook/Twitter/all the rest of it, it was a great relief to find that people are still making time to take newspaper cuttings and stick them in scrapbooks. I agree with this! Not least because I’m very relieved to find I’m not the only one who gets a kick out of finding something interesting or inspiring in the newspaper/a magazine/anything readable and sticking it in a notebook. Personally I’ve got 2 separate scrapbooks so far: one for poems, and one for newspaper bits that I literally just started today because I have discovered The Times Daily Register. That page is like heaven for me – musings on the natural world, quotes, saints du jour… with a scrapbook, that little piece of knowledge is saved to be looked back at, it keeps odd bits of trivia in the back of my mind, widens the old horizon a little bit. And it’s far better than wasting hours on Facebook.
I think I’ve gone off Facebook a lot these days, which is a bit unfortunate because it is pretty much the social centre of York Uni and probably every other university in the country, and is extremely useful for reminding you when your friends’ birthdays are. So useful in fact that because I chose to abstain from it for a week or so, I managed to miss one of my very close friends’ big day – massively embarrassing, I can tell you! The problem with it now is that far too often, we (and by this ‘we’ really means ‘I’) end up seeing things we don’t want to see, i.e. anything at all to do with the ex-boyfriend, his new paramour etc. Not only that – after spending weeks scoffing in a very adolescent way at the naivety of my mum and my auntie over Easter, I think I’ve actually come to agree with them that Facebook makes things public that really should be kept private – not just the photos from your unbelievably drunken night out or the other usual culprits – but the little things, like status updates. I confess that I have been one of those foolish people who broadcasted extremely personal, emotional moments to the world of FB. Absolutely stupid and irresponsible – it upsets friends, makes you look like an attention-seeking numpty and potentially will warn prospective employers off you (it seems to be common knowledge now that they WILL check your FB as part of the selection process). I do not do it now. In a way, Facebook narrows down your world to an enclosed little space that traps you with the things you don’t want to see and things you don’t want to be reminded of as much as it helps you regulate your social life - it’s another one of those things that makes the world so much smaller than it really is. It’s so much better to phone a friend or a relative, send a text, go for a walk and remind yourself of how huge and promising the world really is.
And take time to make a scrapbook!
a good weekend :) June 21, 2009
Posted by york-lass in durham, facebook, films, friends, weekend.add a comment
Finally, FINALLY free after my week of exam hell! I kid you not, I was so very hyper on Friday when I handed the completed (albeit reasonably shocking) essays into the office. And have had a lovely weekend to celebrate it! Saturday morning: coloured my hair then caught the train to Durham to see my friend Alex.Got there yesterday afternoon – was tipping down with rain and we decided not to go to Klute (worst club in Europe), opting for staying in, drinking wine and the most amount of tea I have ever consumed in my life, and watching DVDs. I feel I have been educated – he showed me Grave of the Fireflies – beautiful film, and absolutely heartbreaking. One of those films where you sit in silence as the credits play. It did get me thinking about the Japanese experience of WW2… story material, perhaps. Second DVD we watched was the second season of Six Feet Under – never watched it but it is actually really really good! After DVD time we chatted until around 3am – he’s become quite interested in existentialism so we ended up discussing validation. But we did also play games on Facebook. During which time I mistook the Lebanon flag for the English one, and found out my brain is apparently the size of a goat’s. Today, the sun finally came out so we went for a wander around Durham Cathedral and along the river, which was lovely. I was so glad I went to see Alex, we’re so close to each other that it seems a travesty for us not to have visited each other yet.
Tell you what though, absolutely wiped out! Cannot wait for my bed tonight
exam day 3 June 17, 2009
Posted by york-lass in dialogues of the carmelites, exam, rain, youtube.add a comment
Today is going much much better – I’ve finished a very very rough draft of the second essay. Rest of the time today I think I’ll go through my notes and make a list of the extras that I’m going to need to expand on both of them. So happy days, despite the rain! Everyone has come home from being on campus looking like drowned rats 
I’m going to watch my housemate Non perform in a Uni. of York rendition of Poulenc’s Dialogues of the Carmelites a week on Sunday, and she just sent me a Youtube link to the finale, as performed by the Metropolitan Opera. It’s so so so powerful, it makes me jump and want to cry at the same time every time the guillotine sounds. Absolutely incredible, I can’t wait to see this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcUXp-fpiD0
somerfield exercises June 16, 2009
Posted by york-lass in exercise, food, somerfield, walk.add a comment
I had to add this to the list of what makes you feel better during exam-cabin-fever time – going out for a walk in the sun, especially in the evening. Admittedly, I was simply walking to Somerfield (to stock up on ‘decent’ and colourful food) but I felt so much better for it. I put my iPod in as well, and practised holding myself up tall and walking with a swaying of the hips whilst listening to songs like Tambourine. My posture has often been quite bad – I tended to hunch my shoulders over and look squarely at the floor, especially when unhappy – but today I practised keeping my chin up. It’s a good exercise!
Returned with salad, veg, special Lincolnshire sausages (it is exam week after all!), and a cheeky pot of olives and fresh Tiger bread. Bliss
exam day 2… cabin fever June 16, 2009
Posted by york-lass in cabin fever, chocolate, exam, michael mcintyre, motown, phil collins, shared earth, tea.add a comment
Ok, so I’m over 24 hours into the exam and I’m already climbing the walls – 1 extremely nonsensical, scrappy draft of an essay down though, and one to go. For reference though, here’s a list of a few things that have helped me out today:
- Motown (and dancing around my room to it – Lionel Richie, to be precise)
- Lots of tea
- Having a collected, sane, very patient friend to give you tips
- Tip from said friend: if you’re stuck, write in a sentence what you want to say, then build from there.
- Phil Collins
- Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=michael%20mcintyre%20comedy%20roadshow&search=Search&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=0&spell=1 A few Youtube clips for your delectation.
- A few squares of dark chocolate
Another thing about me – I like making lists. A lot.
Also, I discovered today that Shared Earth (one of my most favouritest shops in York ever) now have 20 items for 50% off in store every month. I know where I’ll be heading when this is finished!
http://www.sharedearth.co.uk/ So you can be excited too
